Hill in the Hurricane

Much has transpired since last week. MrMr Sam Hill finally caught the 4-day long flu that has been sweeping across the land and the students, hovering in midair, dangling from the ceilings of classrooms like enormous Spiders found only in certain parts of the Rainforest. Trying valiantly to ward off the evil flu, I boosted my immune system relentlessly for weeks, drinking all of the grapefruity Airbone I could get my hands on, finding antioxidants wherever I could, attempting to get sleep, despite the pressure of night classes, planning, grading and teaching. And yet...I fell ill. Four days in a comfortable new bed, flinging tissues at the abstract demon of illness.

Let me pause here and describe my emotional state over the last ten days (before Tuesday).
Whelm. Whelm. Whelm.
OVERWHELM

what builds up? papers. writing papers for school. grading papers for classes. preparation papers. quizzes. when to relax. when to unwind. how to make your mind stop overanalyzing all of this newness. how to actually take in each day as its own entity. how to find time to step back and appreciate this change. how to not take each student's reaction to you personally. how to show that you care without showing vulnerability (they can't handle that until they respect you). you can't be real with them yet. they have to know they cannot eat you up, spit you out, and then play with you as a cat does a dead mouse. when your blood pressure rises, their strategy is working. when your voice quivers, they sense hesitation, uncertaintly. piranhas? vultures? worse. Adolescents. so you make yourself calm. you structure the period. you begin to provide some order. you develop a technique that involves counting down with your hand, from 5 to 1, and if they aren't paying attention by the time the fist closes, they all stay for one minute after the bell. if i can't make you shut up, then you will make each other shut up. unfair to those who are obedient, calm, giving undivided attention? yes. good for the class? yes. perhaps a solution.

All of this following a day of teaching despite the illness, and a meeting with my "Master Teacher" where my lesson planning weaknesses mounted up and smacked me in the face like an abusive parent. Where I was nearly screamed at from three feet away. Where I left feeling like this mentoring relationship was in need of the reset button. And it's up to me to make it work, is what I'm told. Was I defensive? Was I out of line? Is it my stubborn individualism? Personality differences? A lack of communication? All of the above?

I was given advice: humanize the relationship. Ask the mentor if she would like to get a cup of coffee outside of school. Ask what I am doing well? Remove ourselves from the environment of the mentor's room, the mentor's turf, and balance the relationship out. Good advice, I thought.

So here we are. Six weeks down. Twelve or so to go. Wow. It's tough to see outside of the storm when you are floating in the calmness of the eye.